Her er noe jeg skrev.. Komentarer?

[cereal]

Dette er noe jeg skribla ned tidligere i vår, ett par kvelder da jeg hadde ånden over meg. Det er ikke spesielt godt gjennomtenkt, karakterene er litt vel klisjeer, handlinga litt søkt, men.. gi litt kritikk. Alt konstruktivt er bra, må jo lære av noe... Og ja, det er på engelsk. Passa seg liksom best oppi hue mitt den (de) kveldene da jeg skrev. Ja det er litt langt, men gidda ikke å legge inn bare litt.
Here goes:





EXT. ROADSIDE PARKING LOT – DAY

A (typical FBI) car is parked, with the trunk open. Two men stand behind it. One is putting on a jacket. The other closes the trunk, revealing two men sitting in the back seat.

BOB
“So, any bright ideas on how we get the fuck outta these woods?”

The other man lights a cigarette, takes a drag, blows the smoke out, and savours the feeling. He sighs

JACK
“Feel that BOB? Fresh mountain air. Don’t get much of that back in the city huh?”

BOB
“Never been out in the wild before, I’m a city-boy remember, born and bred.”

JACK
“Three years in the Marines got me hooked on this shit. I’ve been putting away some money to buy a farm, somewhere out in God’s free nature. Once I retire, I’m gonna be living the simple life, live of the earth… Ahh… I love the aroma of wet mud in the morning.”

BOB
“Yeah yeah yeah… I’ve heard that one before.
The “retirement plan”. In our business, you’re either in or dead, there’s no “retirement”. I know many who tried; they all came crawling back. Now, how do we get outta here? We have a time limit, if you haven’t forgotten that as well? You could have just asked for a map you know?”

JACK
“Cool down BOB, I’m thinking.”

BOB (mockingly)
“Easy for you to say, “Special agent Becker”. (Whispering) I don’t see what’s so special about you?”

JACK
“Hey, watch it! I didn’t ask for you to tag along, you’re the one who said this would be “a career high”. Get cool and get of my back, I’m trying to think!”

BOB
“I’m cool. I’m cool.”

BOB walks up to the front of the car and stops. He looks over the landscape. Most of it is woodland, a mountain range is looming far in the background.

BOB
“Smack middle of nowhere. Just trees. Shit… I shoulda` listened to mom and become a lawyer.”

He turns and looks at the two men sitting in the backseat. They are wearing jumpsuits and are handcuffed. BOB pulls out a police detective badge from his back pocket and looks at it.

BOB
“Shoulda’ become a lawyer…”

JACK walks up to the other side of the car and opens the door to the drivers seat. He crawls in and starts to look trough the glove department. He gives up after a short while of searching, and crawls back out.

BOB
“I told you there wasn’t a map in there. I checked. Twice!”

JACK
“Wasn’t looking for a map, I’m looking for something to eat. I’m hungry as hell. Fucking rent-a-car, clean as hell. Not even a chocolate-bar.”

BOB
“Well, there’s gotta be a gas station down the road… And they probably also have maps.”

JACK
“Check out the brain on city-boy here! Of course there is a gas station down the road. I even saw a sign a mile back saying so, but I’m not comfortable with stopping anywhere near people with these two in the back!”

BOB
“I can baby-sit while you go and buy us some grub. And a map! It’s not like it’s my first time doing this!”

JACK
“(sighs)I guess we got no choice… Just remember what happened last time we stopped! Keep both eyes on the ball! Come on, time is money!”

They enter the car and drive away.

INT. CAR – DAY

BOB keeps looking at the two in the backseat. One of them is giving him spiteful stares every time. BOB is getting more and more irritated by this. Finally, he turns around and grabs the guy by the collar and pulls him till they are face to face.

BOB
“Something you wanna say to me fucko? If you keep staring at me like that I’m gonna take you out and pistol-whip you till even your mama don’t wanna look at you again! Understood hotshot?”

He lets go of him and turns back around.

JACK
“Don’t let em` get to you junior, that’s what they want. When you’re angry you don’t think straight, and that’s when you do mistakes. So be cool. It’s just a few hours until we reach the city, and then they are out of your life. Cool?”
BOB sighs.

BOB
“Cool.”

EXT. GAS STATION – DAY

The car pulls in and parks in front of the station, with the front pointing out against the road. JACK leaves the car and enters the station. BOB exits the car and leans against the hood, letting his jacket to be drawn back, revealing his police badge. He starts to flirt with a girl who sits on a lawn chair across the parking lot. She walks over to him and stops less than a meter away from him.

GIRL
“How’s it goin` Sheriff?”

BOB
“Much better now Miss. And I’m a detective, not a Sheriff.”

GIRL
“You’re not from around these parts are you honey?”

BOB
“Nope. How bout you sugar?”

GIRL
“This is my dad’s station, I was born in that Van behind me, I kissed my first guy back that corner, gave my first blowjob in a car over there, popped my cherry in the coffee room at the back and has been working here since I was 17, so you could say I’m a local girl.”

BOB
“Wow. That’s the best “my life story” story I’ve heard in quite a while! You’re not the shy type I thought you country gals where.”

GIRL
“Don’t meet enough people out here to be shy. When someone actually stops, I go out and try to squeeze as much conversation in as possible before they go and leave me here alone, with pops.”

BOB
“Good philosophy. Well I’m born and bred in New York, did everything worth doin` there, and now I’m here. That’s my life.”

GIRL
“A bona-fide city-boy then? Nice. So… Wanna fuck?”

BOB’s jaw drops like a hammer. The GIRL nods and smiles flirtingly. She starts walking backwards against the corner of the station. BOB quickly closes the door and follows GIRL around to the back of the station.
INT. CAR – DAY

MIKE
“Quick, take off my watch.”

CHARLIE does as he is told, and gives the watch to MIKE as soon as it is off his wrist.

CHARLIE
“What are you gonna do with it?”

MIKE drops it on the floor of the car and breaks it under his heel. He bends down and picks up a small metal wire. He bends it between his fingers and starts to pick the lock to his handcuffs.

MIKE
“Don’t ever say that watching to much TV makes you dumb. I’m picking the lock, what else?”

CHARLIE
“Good thinking! Is it working?”

MIKE
“It’s been a while, might take some time. Hang in there.”

EXT. GAS STATION – FIVE MINUTES LATER

When BOB and GIRL come back, JACK is filling gas. BOB and GIRL are straightening their clothes. The girl is walking a bit awkward.

BOB
“Jeezez! That was something else…”

GIRL
“Sure was Detective…”

GIRL laughs with a dreamy expression. JACK sees them as he is putting the pump back.

JACK
“Where the fuck have you been?!! I told you to watch these fucks, and when I come out, what do I see? Nothing, cuz you ain’t there!!”

GIRL kisses BOB deeply and passionately before she walks back to where she sat when they pulled in. BOB stops by the car.

BOB
“Gimme a break man. Did you see that chick? I mean… Wow! Talked to her for half a minute, and she practically begs me to ride my monkey pole!”

JACK walks around the car and stops right in front of BOB.

JACK
“I don’t care if she could suck a golf ball trough a straw, I told you to keep an eye on these two! You have any idea what would happen if they broke out? Hell, is what would happen! Get cool and get a grip!”

BOB
“They are in the car, handcuffed. The car is closed, you got the keys. What the fuck they gonna do? Start singing “Kumbaya my Lord” and hope God would pop down to open the doors and unlock the cuffs?”

JACK bitchslaps BOB.

JACK
“That’s blasphemy! I ought to beat some sense into you… You…
(Pauses)
Guess you’re right… I’m just geared up. We better go, before someone starts to wonder where we are.”

BOB
“We wonder where we are!”

JACK
“Hey, enough of that! Get in.”

They enter the car and drive away. GIRL waves goodbye as they pass her.

INT. CAR – DAY

JACK is driving and BOB has a map in his lap. BOB doesn’t seem to care about the map; he drums his fingers on the dashboard and hums to himself.

BOB (singing to himself)
“Boom, boom, boom… You gotta lick it before you kick it, you gotta make it wet and hot before you stick it. Boom, boom, boom… Yeah boy!”

JACK
”Left or right?”

BOB
”Huh?”

JACK
”Left or right? There’s an intersection coming up, left or right? You’re the one sitting with the map.”

BOB looks long at the map.

BOB
”Um… Left.”

BOB continues to drum on the dashboard and hum to himself. He looks in the mirror and stares right into MIKE’s eyes. MIKE gives him a mean and hateful look. BOB laughs and continues the drumming and humming.

BOB
”Nuttin’ can break my good mood now. Not even you fuckhole. Damn that chick was hot! Did you see her? Sweet fucking Christ, she was wild, even let me stick it u…”

JACK smacks BOB across the head with the back of his hand. The car swirls slightly.

JACK
”What did I say about that blasphemying mouth of yours? Cut it out or get out!”

BOB rubs his head where JACK hit him.

BOB
”That was uncalled for! Didn’t have to slap me like a bitch and shit… Yeah, I’m sorry, but she, I mean did you see her?”

JACK
”I saw her! Nothing special, chicks like that in every town. Now cool down, you’re getting on my nerves. As if it’s not enough with these two fucks in the back… Just a few hours till deadline, got to deliver these two, get paid and get to the boat before nine. Then it’s off to Bora Bora…”

BOB
”Yeah boy! Chill on the beach with a margarita in one hand and a senorita in the other. Mmmm… ”

MIKE leans forward.

MIKE
”What the fuck you gonna do with a senorita?”

JACK
”Shut your fucking mouth!”

MIKE
”I saw you back there, you used, what, three minutes? Did you even get it in before you shot your jizz?”

BOB jumps around and grabs MIKE.

BOB
”Shut the fuck up motherfucker!!!”

MIKE reveals his uncuffed hands and grabs BOB’s hands and pulls him into back. BOB pushes JACK, and the car swirls out on the edge of the road. Jack struggles to get control over the car. MIKE holds BOB while CHARLIE tries to grab his gun. BOB moves around, trying to get loose. BOB’s feet hits JACK and he looses grip of the steering wheel. The car changes quickly direction. CHARLIE pulls BOB’s gun out of the holster and aims it at BOB. But before anyone is able to do anything, the car hits a rock at the side of the road and soars into the woods.

[cereal]

Er det så kjedelig skrevet at ingen gidder å komentere? eller er det bare for mye å lese?

[Melwasul]

Jeg er ikke så god i engelsk som deg - men hvorfor skriver på engelsk? en spesiell årsak?

Så iallfall tror jeg at det er lettere å få kritikk på manuset hvis du legger det ut på et internasjonalt filmforum hvor alle likevel skriver på engelsk

[jasonX]

jeg gadd ikke å lese alt fordi det ble for mye å lese på engelsk :roll:

[cereal]

Takker. Skrev vel på engelsk fordi jeg var i det humøret.. ikke en spesiell grunn. Men har 5 i engelsk og 3 i norsk, kan ha noe med det... Hvis jeg orker å oversette det, skal jeg legge det ut.
Men hvis noen gadd å lese det likevell, hva synes du om det? Dialogen, karakterene osv..

[Rad-X]

Fint at du skriver på engelsk. Gjør det du er best til.
Du skriver kansje litt subjektivt? har hørt at manus skal være 100% objektive.

[Daniel]

Bra at noen skirver på engelsk også! Gjør det en del selv.

Jeg syntes ikke historien hadde noe klart poeng. Var poenget at man ikke skal gå fra det man passer på ...osv osv?

Uansett , historien er vel passe grei , men som sakt ovenfor så jeg ikke noe spesefikt poeng. Det blir dialog uten mening.

[cereal]

Takk takk. Subjektivt/objektivt... Hater å måtte skrive inn kameravinkler og kameraføring i manus, så da blir det ofte litt subjektivt når keg skriver. Men godt poeng.
Dialogen er ment å forklae at de to karakterene er enkle, todimensjonale menn med ikke helt rent mel i posen. Dette er jo bare introen, bli kjent med situasjonen og personene osv, ting skal begynne å skje med en gang etter bilkrasjet på slutten. Så langt ikke mye poeng nei.. Burde kanskje ha sagt det først, at dette bare er halve historien. Sorry.
Men takker, gode tilbakemeldinger.

[LundePictures]

bra du skriver på engelsk! lager nesten alt på engelsk selv... skal lese igjennom så fort jeg har tid, skal bare en kort tur til utlandet nå.. skal gi tilbakemelding om hva jeg synes jeg!


chris


Lunde Pictures Inc.

[remiant_85]

Kult.. du har bra engelsk , så hvorfor ikke skrive på engelsk
høres ut som kunne sikkert tatt seg bra ut i en evt. film , men er vanskelig å få denne til å bli bra på film, såfremt du ikke har engelske skuespillere.. tenker for å få det til å gå en naturlig gang. selvfølgelig går det med norske rippere i engelsk, men kanskje litt vanskeligere..du har kanskje tenkt og oversette til norsk hvis du skal filme dette, men hadde vært fett å sett det på engelsk.. så....finn deg noen engelske skuespillere , å lag denne vært fett å sett i en filmsammenheng

virker som du har litt teft for dialoger og manus... at det er litt subjektivt , plager meg egentlig ikke i det hele tatt... vi kalles da amatørfilmere for en grunn? gjør vi ikke?:P