Trenger vurdering av ide!

[hhansf]

Jeg satt å prøvde meg på å skrive et manus ide, men jeg vet ikke helt om det ble noe spess! det hele er bare en ide, men jeg trenger litt tilbakemeldinger.
Jeg vill gjerne ha en kritisk tilbakemelding, slik at jeg eventuelt kan forbedre det. Dette var mitt første, bare så det er sagt.
hvis du finner ideen helt idiotisk,så bare si det! greit å vite :arrow:








It was on a late Saturday night, the old retierd investegator Howard was on his way to the night club.
On the way there he met an old friend from high school

Howard: Ooooh my o my…..
Florence: yes it is…. You newer though you would se me again did you?
Howard: where have you ben all this years??….
Florence: You know, I did as many of the other guys you went to high school with, I left the country, wanted to breath the fresh air. You know!
Howard: realy, that sound’s amazing
Florence: yea! It’s almost to good to be true.
Howard: hey listen dude, how about we go and grab a few drinks ha ???
Florence: yea sounds great!

Now we can se them walk down the street!

At the bar:

Florence: hey! how’s thing’s going with that blond headed freak show… he he he
Howard: who??
Florence: The chick you had your good time with in high school!
Howard: …hrmf… she’s my wife..
Florence: oooho..sory, “newer though that would happen!”(vispering)”
Howard: ooho yea It happen’d, we got maried in the Bahamas!
Florenceoho that’s good for you!….

And then the camera backing off, going backward out the door and a little further, and switches to Howard’s wife’s bedroom.


His wife is lie’s in the bed and cant sleep, she is worried about him, she grab a picture of him and look’s at it, at the same time a single tear slides down hear cheek, nd then she put the picture back, and role over crying.

Now we are back in the nightclub, only Florence is sitting there, and he got this evil face expression, it’s like he have done something bad, but the audience don’t know anything.

Now I change camera angle, we are now outside the nightclub, focusing on the door, and out coming is Florence, he takes a quick peak to the left, then right and walks past two buildings, and head into a alley
And ends up in the backyard to the nightclub, he picks up a black garbage bag, and put it into the trunk of a car that he have parked there, he close the trunk, looks left and right just to be sure nobody sees him, he open the car door, and gets in the car and drive away.

Camera will now follow the car on it’s trip, heading to the woods.



It’s now morning,


Howard’s wife is in the bed, ready to get up, she gets out of the bed, and then she’s heading for the bathroom, she takes a shower, and put on hear bathrobe.
We are now in the living room, camera is pointing on the staircase (look at story board).
She is walking down the stairs and heading for the kitchen.
Camera is now in the kitchen, filming her opening the fridge, and fixing some breakfast,
Then she realise that Howard didn’t came home last night, she is letting go of everything she have, and heading for the phone, she calls some friend’s of Howard.

Susan (Howard’s wife): Hi Roger, I was wondering if you have seen any sign of my husband?
Roger: No… I spoke with him the other night, but not since then!…. Is ther something wrong?
Susan: Well….. He didn’t show up last night…
Roger: oooho…. That definitely not sound like something Howard would have done.
Susan: I know…
Roger: Have you called the cops?
Susan: No
Roger: Then you have to do it. I’ve heard about people who just have disap’peard, and they never ever came back!
Susan: OK… thanks, I’ll cal the cop’s at once!

Susan calls the cop’s.

Susan: Hi this is Susan Livingstone, I would like to report a missing person , in fact it is my husband!
Police: Ok I am going to need his name and age and where you last saw him.
Susan: aaaaa.. Let me see… ooho ..yes.. The last time I saw him was yesterday between 8pm and 8.30pm
He just came back from work, he eat some dinner, and then he just left.
Police: Do you know where he was going? He didn’t mention where he was going was he?….
Susan: No … he just left!
Police: OK we will send a car to you and take you to the station.
Susan: OK… thank’s

Susan gets back to her breakfast. Then someone ring on the door.
Susan turns to the door, and think’s:

Susan: That’s weird, the police never comes that quick. Only 20 seconds after I called them! Hmm.

Susan opens the door and…………………..

The idea will be continued if it gets good response!

Skrevet av:hhansf

[Melwasul]

Det er vanskelig å gi tilbakemelding når historien ikke er ferdig. En mann er borte og kom ikke tilbake... og....? Hvor er spenningen her?

Og hvorfor skrev du på engelsk? Det er full av skrivefeil her. Du bør bruke Word til å rette opp skrivefeilene som feks "newer", "retierd", "ben", "realy", "yea", "sound's", "sory", "vispering", "maried". Alt dette her bare fra den øverste halvparten av teksten.

Skal filmen være på engelsk? Og.. kanskje spilt av norske skuespillere? Jeg syns at du bør heller gjøre hele om til norsk.

[hhansf]

oki. takk for tilbakemeldingen! vurderer å oversette til Norsk.
men tusen takk!

[BigBen]

syns det var ganske så spennende jeg, tross alle skrivefeil. kunne vert en idé å gjøre om til norsk ja. syns ellers det høres ut som om dette skal bli ganske langt, tenker du på å lage en lengre film?
gleder meg uansett til å se resten...
kanskje han florence har drept han hovedpersonen? det gjetter jeg på...

[hhansf]

lengre film hmm..... det hele begynte som en ide jeg bare fikk i hodet, men hvis jeg blir fornøyd med resultatet når det er ferdigskrevet, så kommer jeg nok til å vurdere det!